Friday, June 28, 2013

Long Destination

Long Destination
      Day 1: The Beginning
                                My birthday was not to be remembered. I cannot even seek the fact that sometimes I even forget the day of my birth. I remember nothing, like most babies do in their early age. My family was small, and so was my mind. Raised and settled in a happy family, my childhood was a blurry memory of innocence. I’m still innocent.
            I never forgot my first two desiring moments, when I became so open-minded. Nothing buy beauty, dark or bright, was shown to me by fate. The first memory, a day where I was dressed in a flower dress, hair pinned by bows and ribbons, taken out on such a nice weather day. The flowers and birds were blossoming, and the play areas surrounding my home were opened for a new ride. I however, had always thought I had experienced autumn. The season of fresh beginnings, where leave piles were made, and the scenery around nature made it so lovely. But I never experienced it.
            My mother had once hung such a picture on the front door of our home. I caught a glimpse, and my first lack of memory was in held.
                                    The picture was a photograph, was I positive that it was real? No. It wasn’t taken by anyone I know, but a rather very lucky human being who experienced such autumn. What I saw, took my breath away.
            Sunrise nearly at perfect reflections towards the trees. Old trees with orange and yellow leaves falling and surrounding the scene, with a bright path to walk towards the light. A quote was written below, which I had forgotten, but to which this day it did not matter to me. The picture showed true autumn, true fall and true destiny to where I wanted to belong. However, I failed to mistaken the sight of reality verses imagination. For to this time, I know deep somewhere in the back of my mind, that there was no bench. Nowhere for someone to sit, for someone to share places with. This destination was meant to be gone to alone.
            That was a wonderful moment of my childhood however, to have an imaginary place to want to be. I had no journey, no authority of how to get there, and was almost certain that it wasn’t even real. Yet by the age of nearly four, my mind was raped by a simple dream. The dream also had a light, a dark one, a very faded one with no purpose. No nightmares existed, so the dream became reality. I haunted myself to thinking of very deep dark thoughts by the age of four, to fill in the ending of the unfinished dream.
                                    To this very day.

            My bed, place to sleep back then, was at an apartment building on the sixth floor, a tiny room shared with either one of my parents, who took turns sleeping near me. I had a bed on the ground, barely laid in a crib for years, surrounded by a dozen pillows and stuff animals the size of me. My blanket numbers were only limited to one, which was fine because warmth was the last I needed.
            My dream that night, horrifying as it seems, was beautiful for me.

A dark demon, a woman demon, her eyes bright but her intentions were mean. She lived across my apartment, the window parallel to our view. Her beauty did not exist, until she transformed into a stunning naked woman, who showed nothing but her sun-shine hair, facing me. The night was dark, and thunder rolled loudly. There was a bridge to her window, yet no entrance to walk through. I looked outside the window, and saw her, facing me, no eyes nor face appearance, but her hair turned pale. Lighting flashed, and screeches were around me. Someone was next to me, on the bed, looking outside with me. I don’t remember who, but she looked out, screamed, and turned into a frightening sight.
            I looked out again. The window, was closed. The ground however, covered with monsters. Roaring monsters, ready to get me. Why wasn’t I in fear? Because the dream ended, with another continuation, several years later.
                        I woke up, assuming nothing. Less than a year later, I moved to a new apartment one or two blocks away. To this day it is my home. Right now typing this, is the room in that dream. The bed I was sitting on to stare out the window, is now my bed, just facing another direction. The window is wide, but bars are held for safety. I always looked out, and diagonally to me, is a small mirror to a bathroom, lights always on, sounds screeching, but no sight. Loud confusion and noises pop in my head, but nobody shows up. I do know though, that it wasn’t a dream.
            This has nothing to do with the dream. It has to do with me. After all, we cannot make-up people in our dreams. In real life though? I’m not so sure.


                                                ~The Beginning, Part 1

Monday, April 22, 2013

Death Project (Introduction)

No one really stumbles upon my blog, because no one really knows about this blog anyway, or don't care to know. But those of you who do, I strongly advise you: Do not use my posts as something against me, because it is the wrong judgement here. Do not use my information to do your own will to risk what's right, because this isn't to harm anyone. Listen: I'm typing this to share my thoughts, but this is NOT a journal of mine. This is a blog, that hopefully, will attract more than one person to know just one thing:

what they're feeling now, they're not alone. 

Now, I happen to know that the title of this post is called "Death Project", but I can assure you that it isn't what it sounds like. Let me explain, if you care to read along this post.

The "Death Project" is an idea made entirely by me. Maybe there's something else called the "Death Project" for another purpose, but I do not know any now that i can be aware of. DP is a support and understanding project for those such as myself who are:
  
     -suicidal ~ and no one takes notice, or takes notice the right way to seek proper help for them
     -self-destructive, ~ and same thing as suicidal, no one takes notice, or they do but the help you get is either not working or making you more in pain.
     -depressed ~ now many say that everyone is depressed, and that is true. but this isn't something to be taken lightly, and because it IS taken lightly to most people nowadays, it can be a huge problem. 

There are many more other minor reasons, but these three are the main purpose. Now, i'm not saying that other problems do not count or are just minor, because they're not. but the point is, i believe that "suicidal" and being "self-destructive" in ANY way is the best support of this Death Project. 
The Death Project has many many steps, and different ways to support and take action in them. NO, I am NOT trying to spread this awareness to many people to get fame or whatever crap. This is only for those who bother reading, and i assure you, fate comes in many mysterious ways.

Now, since this is just the introduction and the history and the actual Death Project action will come later, I will briefly explain the PURPOSE of this Death Project.

1. I want you to find some time, go to a random mirror in the room and stare at your reflection. You see yourself right? Well start getting use to not seeing yourself. This Death Project isn't just about you, but for those who are suffering with you, some in which you may never even know of. The main purpose of me creating this Death Project is to help those who are in the same shoes as me, BUT


in a different mysterious way no one can imagine will help. trust me, it will..

2. I now want you to ask yourself who you are. truly, who are you? Don't think further than that, like about your future or relationships, etc. just define in one sentence or one word, who do you think you are. Well, guess what? What you just said right now, is wrong.

Truth? NO ONE knows who they are 100%. you know yourself better than anyone else in this world, but you can have hidden secrets even you don't have knowledge of. Even if we turn over a hundred years old, you think we will know who we truly are? No, because we define ourselves by our past. Well does it matter? Of course not. 

The reason i'm telling you this? Well, most people with depression or mental disorders ask this question to themselves way too much, killing themselves with it. But you know what? I just proved that the most happiest, strongest people struggle with this as well. Therefore, not only are you not alone, but you can deal with this question in another phrase. But more on that later.

3. This is the last point for now. But this point is most important. Bear with me.

I want you to realize something, whoever is reading this. It doesn't matter, as long as you are carefully interpreting my words.
I want you to realize, a HUNDRED percent,

How are you feeling right now?

There are bipolar disorders, depression, chemical imbalances, and all that stuff going on around us in our brains, yet do we have control of how we feel? worst yet, do our feelings even become real anymore?
It doesn't matter if your a teenager with hormone problems, it still affects us way too powerfully.

BUT, as you notice that your mood swings like nuts in ways even you cannot imagine, do you realize that there is one thing that are worse than these mood issues, but are related to feelings and emotions?

Numbness

You cannot be in any state of emotion. Everything seems confusing and hurting, and it drives you to an insane point where not only do you feel numb, but you act numb. You act like everything is the way it is, the world swirls in your head, spirally out of your control. If you're sad, you hate being sad and want to be happy. If you're angry, you'll rather be sad. If you're happy, you're probably confused because you're not use to it.
and then you just go numb, because no feelings fits your satisfaction. instead, people who feel numb CUT, they self--destruct, to FEEL, to be ALIVE, and NOT be numb.

If that's you? Then the Death Project is for you. Trust me, I am not in a better state even though i created the Death Project. but what they say is NOT 100% true. They say that you can't help someone else if you can't help yourself. Well guess what? WRONG WRONG WRONG. what if helping someone else IS the only way to help yourself? What if helping someone else is your only purpose? What if?

What if.